hello… again

it’s been a long while since i have been active here, i haven’t posted anything here for more than a year now. you could say a lot has changed since the last time i’ve written here but at the same time, a lot has stayed the same. in a way, the world around me has changed a lot & sometimes, perhaps, maybe, i feel that i haven’t moved as quickly as them. at the same time, maybe the things around me have just simply taken different paths than I did. though a year… or a year & a half ago, i didn’t know exactly that this path had so many crossroads & i certainly didn’t know that things would turn out like this… but maybe, it is for the better. i did not update here once in 2014 and its hard to say whether it is attributed to the fact that i have been kept busy but i do know one thing, 2014 hasn’t been an easy year… and realistically, the year & a half that i haven’t been here has also not been easy. two months of 2015 has already passed, things haven’t necessarily gotten easier but i am optimistic about the year and the future. although i say it hasn’t been easy since the last time i have been here, it’s not to say that the past year and a half has been miserable. rather, it wasn’t rainbows and sunshine and unicorns and all that stuff and i know it could have been better… but there are so many things though that i am still so grateful for and so many memories that i made that i will keep so close to my heart.

there are many things that have happened over these “tough” times that have helped to make things bearable. even though there are many instances where things feel like a “love-hate relationship”, the good part of it makes everything so much more worthwhile. but this is not to say that i will just remember the good & not the bad. neither does this mean i am going to dwell onto the bad things or hold on to the past. rather, i will not forget them so that i can avoid making the same mistakes and that it can remind me to continue to become better and it can motivate me in walking forward, moving forward and moving away from this bad. it is not always that easy to walk away from something that is familiar to you even when you know it is slowly hurting you, day by day. change is something that is not easy to accept, it is hard to have to walk away from everything that was so familiar and wander into a place where you feel like a stranger but sometimes, it’s better to be a stranger somewhere then be a nobody where you were in the first place. but sometimes, it is not as easy as we think it is to make a choice. even though the choice may seem like the most obvious choice of all, it always feels like something deep down inside of us is always fighting and telling us to not change. even if it is for the better. but that’s when you have to fight over yourself and realize that even if it is going to be tough and hard, you have to be brave because things may be so much better & you probably deserve so much better.

i know that the future isn’t going to be easier & i am not asking for it to be easier either. actually, i don’t really believe in asking for things to be easier because life isn’t really supposed to be easy because then it makes those things you work so hard for not as precious as it is anymore. we should be brave & not choose the route that may seem temporarily easier as it may be better to choose the route that is tough and may beat us to the ground but at least, there is a chance that things can get better. there is no certainty that things will get better and not get worse, but it is better to take a chance and risk at it. no matter how slim that chance is, it may be worth taking a shot at it. perhaps, the closer you get to it and the harder you work for it, the chance grows.

2015 and the year to come may not be the most exciting year or the best year either but i’m hoping that it will be a year of development, learning & bravery. & i am certain that it will be filled with wonderful memories. let your future one day become a past that you don’t regret and live everyday remembering that the reality isn’t that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, the truth is you do know what you have but you just never thought you would lose it. treasure those around you who care, the things around you that matter & the people who don’t care and don’t matter, let it go and let it be.

Back To Reality

It’s been a month since I’ve been here and without a doubt, a lot has happened, as always. I ran a 10K race, I finally did my driver’s written test, I traveled halfway around the world and now, I’m getting ready for convocation in about a week.

It’s been a week since I’ve been back home from my short-travels, everytime I’m back from another place other than home, I always wished it was longer. My travels was definitely too short though I was pretty tired by the end of the trip but once I came back, rested up for two days, I was ready to go back. Except, the only thing I can go back to now… is reality. 

Unlike what most people tend to believe, I did not get any “fitter” on my trip, even though there’s a lot of walking, I also eat a lot more and drink a lot less H2O. So with the lack of routine exercises, more food, less H20 –> I actually felt like I gotten a lot weaker (how exactly did I run 10K before my trip?) and not to mention, probably gained a few pounds from all the food I consumed. Despite that though, I think a short travel of a trip is worth it (even though I honestly don’t like the beginning of trying to train up again) but I guess the experiences, the perspective, the beautiful scenery, the food, the culture makes it all worth it and the carefree feeling you get because you are allowed to relaxed and not care about anything else in the world (sort of) makes it just worth it. 

This time around, the trip was pretty exciting. There are more places I want to go back to again now and there are many things that made me connect with things I have learnt since childhood. I don’t know how to describe the feeling but my inner love of music was poured out… for a bit. 

There are still many places I would love to go to but I think there is something missing about my travels. The uncertainties, the wonders, the adventures… maybe one day, my travelling senses will be satisfied, until then, I’ll just cope with what I have now. 

Now that I’m back from travelling, everything seems to be pointing in the direction of “back to reality”. The first thing that comes up is my convocation next week. I have been seeing and hearing about convocations of other friends from other schools and many of them are excited, happy and proud of their accomplishments. As for myself, I am pretty neutral and indifferent for my ceremony next week. Perhaps, finishing my undergrad after four hard years is something to be proud of, it is a milestone, but to myself, maybe I don’t see it as something I want to celebrate for. Yes, it is yay that I worked hard for four years and got my undergrad degree but at the same time, I don’t find it too special. I’m not trying to be bitter but I guess, this is just my preference. Either way, I will be walking across the stage next week, getting my diploma, wearing a gown and a hood, getting my ring, taking some pictures and all those good stuff. 

Next, well, before I left home, I decided I would do my written driver’s test because I knew I would keep giving myself excuses when I was back to not do it and the last thing I wanted was to delay it to a day where high school students would be off school and I would have to wait forever in line to do my test. I kind of freaked out at first cause I wasn’t sure what to expect in the rules portion but freaking out somehow allowed me to get perfect LOL. But hooray, finally… finished that so next step… would be learning to drive. haha.

Lastly, I felt like mentioning that it is the 10th anniversary (on the 8th) of WFP. A special group in my heart, been following them for 6 years now and their videos honestly have put a smile on my face a lot, warmed and melted my heart and it’s crazy to see how they’ve changed, improved and grown over the years. Happy 10th Anniversary WONGFU PRODUCTIONS – PHIL, TED & WES!

P.S. Oh yeah, guess what I need to get my wisdom teeth out this summer, oh pain, here i come : (

haitus

there’s a lot i want to blog about and a huge urge to really start writing again. i missed my feb thank you post so hopefully, i can combine it with my march one coming up soon but caution that it might still be a week late because of the packed schedule i have until the end of this term but we’ll see.

feels like there are so many things i want to say, so many opinions i want to make… these projects just really need to finish themselves. anywho, be right back, cyberworld, sort of.

feelings…

“how are you feeling?” “how do you feel now?”…. why did people always ask these questions to her? didn’t they know how much it bothered her when they asked her that… it’s not that she didn’t want people to care about her, she did. & she knows that when people asked that, they were just genuinely trying to care. but the way the question is phrased and asked gets to her. she becomes so sensitive to those words, she doesn’t even know why. it’s like you’re telling her she was being way too super emotional before which is probably the last thing she wanted to admit. because sometimes… well, sometimes, she was in denial & these type of questions only reminded her of how sensitive the conversation would be, how it was hinting that it should lead to her answering with an overly-expressive reply. or maybe she only wanted to hear these type of questions from one person… in one way and unfortunately, these people were none of them & the way they asked it over was not the right way. she just didn’t understand why they couldn’t keep it simple…a “how are you?” “what’s up?” “how’s everything” “how’s it going” would have worked better but no, they stuck to the sensitive question she didn’t want to hear.

gohgoh, happy birthday :3

it’s been a long time since i’ve called mico ah goh… gohgoh. but i think by using that, it reminds me of our childhood because lil ‘lissa used to call lil mico.. gohgoh, all the time. i can’t believe it’s another year, and my bro is turning another year older. “san yut fai lok, gohgoh” : ) i really hope you have an amazing birthday and amazing year ahead of you – filled with more great memories, great people and big smiles! i hope you remember that even though you’re growing older now that you won’t stop playing… because “we do not stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing”. But I’m sure you’ll never stop playing… even though i’m your younger sister, sometimes, when i see you, i feel like i’m just seeing a grown-up adult with a child-like heart but that makes me happy because i hope that our childhood memories are kept alive in your heart and that you’ll always have that fun spirit and personality you’ve had since you were young.

& though i’ll always have memories of you being a brother that hides my favourite teddybear and irritates me like older brothers like to, i’ll also always have memories of you and i playing soccer & baseball inside our house together, watching TV together and racing each other in running. & even though you’re probably the only brother that would put bunny ears on himself when taking pictures, the only one that would drive home just to go to the washroom, & the only one that would ask their younger sister how to do their laundry. these are all the things that make you… you & make you the best brother i can ask for. thank you for always being such a great companion, friend and bro to me.

though you won’t be giving me piggyback rides, hugs & holding my hand anymore, i know you’ll always bring in the same intention you did when you did those things – that is to care about your lil sister. thanks mico. happy birthday :]

happy birthday :3

Confrontation

confrontation, con-fron-ta-tion
noun
1. The act of confronting or the state of being confronted, especially a meeting face to face

confront, con-front
verb
2. To bring face to face with

I begin this post by saying that although I have been wanting to write and blog more lately, I had not planned to be writing this at all and especially not at this moment. It’s an hour before class and I sit here writing away about this topic instead of going over school work for classes that come tomorrow. (No worries, I did my work for today’s class so I can be let off the hook, for now). Now with that aside, back on topic.

Why did I just define confrontation and confront? I suppose it’s because if I truly understood this word from a definition point-of-view, I’ll actually know why people are so afraid of confrontation. Recently, I observed an incident between two friends where confrontation sort of took place and I recall having the exact thought of why they were avoiding confrontation. I know it’s not an easy thing but in my opinion, at that time, I didn’t think it was a big deal and really, I probably still don’t think it’s a big deal.

After several incidents today, I sit here and I think I sort of realized why it is so hard. And the definition you find in the dictionary doesn’t serve its justice. It’s a matter of fear and worry. Fear that things won’t turn out right when we’re ‘confronted’ with it. Worries that things will turn upside down and we won’t know how to react. But it can go beyond what I have described. So what? If it’s fear, you can overcome it. If it’s worry, learn to not worry. Well, all this is actually a lot easier said than done. For instance, fear… isn’t easy to overcome  I’ve always been afraid of spiders/insects and until this day, I guess I have enough courage to kill it when I see one crawling around my surroundings but I will never be able to say ‘I am not scared of spiders!’. Worry – I actually thought this one was easier. A few years ago, a wise mentor passed me on a motto or insight and that is to ‘not worry about the things you can’t control’. Ever since that day, I had tried to incorporate that motto into my life and I tried to worry less. I always thought I was able to do so – at least to an extent – but I think today, I realized I’m far from it. Because, I am still a worry-wart.

A lot of things are always a lot easier said and seen than done. From a third person’s view, it always seems easy. And at each and every perspective, it makes a difference. If you can change your perspective, confrontation might not seem so bad – things might not seem so scary and you actually realize you really have nothing to worry about. But change the angle of your perspective a bit and all the fear and worry I talked about shows up. And that’s exactly the perspective I am locked in – maybe not 100% just like it, but somewhat similar. I think and say things are easy not because I want to please others but rather I want to please myself. I tell myself that “I shouldn’t worry” to believe that I am not worrying. I tell myself that confrontation isn’t hard to make myself at ease. But the question is, how many stories have I made up to myself to avoid confrontation or to make myself believe in things that weren’t true. How many times have I said “I really don’t know, I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what to do,” I am confused but I wonder… are these all lies to myself? Because I’m simply afraid of confrontation. Do I secretly know what I truly want, do I secretly know that I am worried about confrontation but say things simply to make myself feel more at ease? The truth is – I know my weakness and that is I have a lot of fear and worries inside of me and I am afraid of confrontation. As much as I have tried to change from ‘my mistakes’, I feel like I’m making no progress – when I’m afraid o’ something or don’t want to face something, I avoid it, I leave it so that I don’t have to confront it because I am afraid of what might happened. When something does not fit my comfort zone, I wrap my head all around it, trying to find ways to prepare myself, trying to find ways to make myself feel at ease and I tell myself that I need to do this because I should be prepared but realistically, I am just worrying about things I can’t control. When incidents happened that bother me but I don’t want it to, I leave it as well and I tell myself that it will be okay and that there’s nothing I can do about it. But is there? Is there something I can do about it? And am I actually okay with it? Because all the answers seem to lie in front of me and are telling me something different.

I have never done this before, never written all this out for the public to read. Because I’m afraid of criticism but maybe, this is what I need because I am not perfect and never will I be. All these bothers, all these things bottled up is only making me have a million things on my mind that I can’t handle and turning into a clumsy person that makes mistakes that shouldn’t be made. I actually don’t know how long and what I can do to make changes sometimes – how can I stop worrying about something that is out of my control, how do I ensure that I don’t have to remember all the things I do by either writing it or just pushing myself to do it right away instead of thinking of “well, what if I did it now and then something happens that makes it turn out that I should have done it later”, and how can I actually face things I’m afraid of. I really don’t know but I’m hoping that I took a first step in confronting myself, in showing myself that it is okay to be vulnerable. I am not going to be perfect and I don’t want to be perfect but I need myself to understand that… thoroughly, deeply or whatever it takes for myself to learn that it is okay to break out my comfort zone, make a fool of myself, make a mistake and not have things worked out as planned. Preparation is essential but we can’t prepare for everything – and it is okay for things to not go the way they are planned because that doesn’t mean that I’ve shown inability, it is all just a part of nature. Right? Or am I simply saying things again to make myself feel better? I really don’t know anymore.

Either way, I guess this helped to calm me down and hopefully, I can refocus again today. There’s a lot of things ahead of me this month and there’s so much on my plate – I honestly don’t know if I can handle it but I guess taking it step by step is the only thing I can do about it.

Flashbacks

“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose“- Kevin Arnold

Memories and experiences are what shapes an individual and make them who they are. From time to time, I like to look back at my past and reminiscence about things that have happened. Some people may think that I look back to what has happened too much because a blast to the past always ends up with something like this “I miss ___. I wish I could go back in time and experience ____.” And you get the idea but I suppose it is a good thing, right? That means those experiences and memories are worth remembering and definitely something that I’m glad that happened. At the same time though, sometimes, I just wished to go back in time and change one thing but I guess that sounds more like a regret.

Since the summer has started, I think I’ve been doing a lot of reminiscing – whether it is thinking back to a couple months ago or a few years ago. I initially started writing this when the summer first started and the thing that triggered this idea/thought/blurb/whatever-you-want-to-call-it was because my high school music teacher got confronted with a health situation. That one incident made me think back a lot to high school and music in high school. All the memories and experiences and good times whether it was early morning band practices or arban-studies testing. Sometimes, I wish I could just go back for a bit and experience these things all over again. Waking up early in the morning for band and practicing, building mute towers at the back of the room or simply playing so many hours straight during band camp. Or simply the crazy adventures at MusicFest ’08. I sincerely, miss playing as a band and it kind of makes me sad that I might not have the chance/time to do it again. It’s been four years since I have touched a trumpet… I probably sound horrible now.

After that situation though, I wrote my own words/wishes to my high school music teacher. He definitely made a difference in my life and without him building the music program to be so strong, I don’t think the trumpets would have been able to come together like we did and become a family. Neither would the band. Like the famous tagline from drumline – ‘One Band. One Sound.’ It’s  amazing to see how everyone that has been or still is in music come together and this was what led me to go to my first bci concert. However, after all that, the idea of missing band came behind me because afterall, when time starts to pass by, you sort of put it behind you since you realized if you keep at it, you’re just dwelling and there’s a lot more things I have to do than sit here and dwell.

Recently, some things happened in my life. I guess they sort of are not the most exciting or greatest things to happen because I have been quite sad/upset over it? But because of this, I went and dug out old cards given to me by special & important people in my life. They’re now laying around my desk instead of stored away securely in a bag put away in a shelf. Perhaps, it’s a way of reminding me of certain things plus it’s more convenient for me to get them out to look at or read during the year. I found cards and such that dated back to grade 8 & it’s interesting how these friendships are no longer as strong as they once were. It does make me smile though that these people cared about me so much back then and I think I am okay with the fact that now they might not be that important in my life neither am I that important in their life but we will remain acquaintances and remember the memories we did have together. I am not sad about this, actually, though it sounds sad to have lost friendships but I guess, it is okay, because we all grew up and slowly let go. It wasn’t painful but more of a natural transition – we grew up together and shared memories & through a natural transition, we just ended up in different circles.

Then I came around some other cards that dated back from high school to now. A little bit more recent but in fact, they are the ones that make me tear up inside, just a bit. So many of these cards bring me back to memories that I wish I could relive again. Things that I wish I still had and friendships I wished that hadn’t fade? The cards remind me of my memories in high school, the people and the experiences & though I know, there are still people there who are with me on this journey, some have slowly faded away yet I don’t feel like it was a natural transition. At the same time, I am trying to make myself remember that people do come and go… but I guess I wasn’t prepared for it? Looking back to when I was in grade 10, 11, 12, 1st year… until now and the people that I am surrounded by – some are still here but others sort of just faded and of course… some didn’t used to be there. I’m grateful for those who are here whether they been here since then or whether they stepped into my life post-high school. But what about the other ones? I don’t know how to say this without exposing/sharing too much to my liking but I guess all I can say is I need to change something cause looking back at memories should put a smile on my face more than putting tears in my eyes. Yes, I will cry about things I missed but my smile should really be the overpowering element because I’m glad it happened. But maybe, the tears are for the fact that I’ve lost grasp of things I need and that I once had. Things that I wish I had right now but haven’t found or just lost grasp of. I just want it back. I know ‘it’ is being used as a vague term but… let’s just keep it that way. Vague. But I wish my life… well aspects of my life weren’t so vague – I need things to be more clear in my eyes. All these questions but no answers. Or, is it just me? Am I simply just making my life more difficult than it needs to be. Am I just putting questions out there and not providing them answers? Maybe, I do have answers but the uncertainty of them is what makes me scared to assure myself that ‘they are the answers’.

Anyways, I don’t want this post to start to become a ranting/blabbing/venting post because I think it already has so no more spiraling downwards. So I will end off the post here, in a bit. At least, no more personal comments. I guess, at the end of the day, flashbacks, memories and experiences are a positive thing – at least in my opinion. No matter what they bring back to you and how they make you feel now – things happened for a reason and we should just look to be happy/glad that it happened. It’s not very wise to dwell or regret on what has already happened but rather, if you are not happy or disappointed with what did happen, you should look for a way to make the future even better. It’s what makes us look forward to the future and learn to keep moving on because we can’t… live in the past.

On a side note, before I end off, I might be blogging more before the summer ends since if I only do my promise of “one post a month” thing that I would really have two more posts before summer ends & then once school starts, that might even lead to less blogging. August is around the corner and two more thankful posts before school comes around… again. Yay?

Anyways, enjoy your flashbacks when you have them. And yes, reminiscence bout your memories and experiences. But definitely, don’t stop there and dwell but keep moving forward and keep yourself busy. And if you aren’t one to look back but constantly look forward because you simply are too busy with too many things to do, let me leave you with one piece of an advice

“Always remember to slow down in life; live, breathe, and learn; take a look around you whenever you have time and never forget everything and every person that has the least place within your heart.” – Unknown Source (Sorry, I forgot where I found this…)

Last 48 hours!

In light that few years ago, around this time, I obtain my spencer jr, toon spencer and biggie spencer. Here’s a spencer… cookie to celebrate!

Say Hello to Mr. Spencer Cookie!

I know, if you are reading this, I should be sleeping because I can be. But I’m going to throw in a quick blog that hopefully, won’t take me more than 10 minutes. I am so excited that home time is coming around the corner…I know I should not be too overexcited cause I would just be disappointed but I am constantly thinking about all the plans and things I WILL do this summer. I just need to make sure I plan better, that’s all.

It’s pretty crazy that I’m almost done intersession, it’s been a bittersweet two weeks. Even though I miss home, I will miss this place from time to time until I come back again in September. There’s so much I have to do though within these few weeks that are ahead of me and this time I’m going to make sure I don’t waste any time. I know that, my brain, just wants to relax once I’m done school and the project just because I’m going to feel like I need it but I think, this time around, I need to not take such a long break.. cause those breaks seem to drag and man, time is running out!

Finally, the midst of celebrating (well not really celebrating) but the fact that I probably won’t be able to do much of this cooking thing anymore once I’m at home – especially the sweets, mind you, I bake simply because I just enjoy making food and decorating and making people around me happy. I barely eat any of my own baked goods… unless its those oatmeal bars I’m planning to make, they look SO healthy. So yepp, I decided to bake one last time by myself – plain cookies with white chocolate decorations. I hope I will be baking/cooking some more with my friends & maybe cooking at home a bit, or not? Haha. We’ll see.

11 Days!

11 more days until home, home, homeeee! Even though I’m going to be back home this weekend, in 11 days, intersession will be over and I no longer have to travel back and forth until September. So, I wanted to blog today even though I have tons of work. I did finish my two cases for the day (SO… I WAS A LOT MORE PRODUCTIVE TODAY) except I have to do some work for a group project due on Friday and I want to finish my last case writeup so I don’t have to deal with it next week. Hopefully, if weather permits, I might drag myself out of bed in the mornings before class for a run. More exerciseeee is always awesome. 😀

I’m starting to clear out food again and also I need to start packing more (haven’t done any this week) so that I won’t have to stay up until who-knows-when to pack everything to move back home. I had a lot of eggs and I kind of had to cook them. So… what happens when you give me 6 eggs… voila!

I absolutely love onion omelettes. It’s definitely a lot of food so I put them in the freezer and I can eat them next week 🙂 I also made this really yummy beef today but I think it was a bit greasy : ( just because I am trying to avoid it sticking to my crappy pan so I might have added a little bit too much oil. You can’t really see the beef cause it’s hiding under all the yummy onions!

Walking to school is becoming very refreshing probably because it’s not TOO cold out and it’s not DARK like during the year when I had 8 am classes. It gives me a lot of time to think about things and the cool area and sunshine makes me excited about certain things. There’s a constantly two voices in my head fighting against each other but I guess moments like this calms everything around me…

Class was also alright today. I, obviously, would prefer to be done with school because I think it’s time for a break but the people around you make it a little better. A friend of mine went to the usual place to get a sausage egg breakfast sandwich today… the funny thing was that the chef totally forgot to put the sausage in. Haha. Aside from that, when noon comes, it’s always nice cause then that means it’s time to walk home again… but then the afternoon usually becomes a little less productive. I’m just looking forward to summer and doing all the things I have planned so far and seeing familiar faces again. I really miss everyone.

Well, this post is getting a little too long and I should get back to work… today, I’m going to end this off and leave everyone with the following few words… “I smiled today not because it is worth it right now but because I believed that something in the future was worth it.”

A… Comeback?

I haven’t touched any of my wordpress accounts since 2011 and it seemed like my once-burning-fire-passion for blogging and writing has started to fade away. Though I have always had another personal blog & currently still managing my tumblr – something came along that gave me the reason not to blog anymore. Perhaps I am giving myself the excuse that school is keeping me too busy so I can’t really find the time to blog and although that is true, I have been fighting for a long long time to find a way to get myself back to writing.

But this time, I’m putting myself into a commitment to blog at least once a month and it will surround a similar topic each time (for now) but at the moment, what it is will be a surprise. The semester has ended for me but intersession classes are on its way right now and this is my first time doing a 3-4 month course in 2-weeks. I’m going to try my best to work hard but I will have to say ever since classes ended 3 weeks ago and final exams ending 2 weeks ago – I have already gotten used to not having to read so many cases a day. Nonetheless though, I am looking forward to May because that is when I’ll officially be back home.

On another side note, I just realized that today marks the “4th birthday of spencer jr” and “3rd birthday of toon spencer”. It is pretty unbelievable that I have had spencer jr. for 4 years now because it really doesn’t feel that long. toon is far away at home while spencer jr. is here with me but spencer jr. hasn’t been back home for a long time. Yeah, I know, I talk about my bears like they are animate objects but I guess it’s because they ARE special to me AND I do love teddybears.

So I guess that’s it for now, I’m going to actually start hammering away at these cases and possibly do another case writeup tonight depending on how much I like these cases. They are longer in comparison to the ones from yesterday : ( but I’ll survive. See yah soon.

P.S Oh, and the title, I thought it was pretty cool to spin it off with “kpopstars” and their comebacks whenever they become busy in another geographical location. Maybe TVXQ COMEBACK AS 5 one day?Haha, or am I just dreaming? n_n v